constantly chasing simple pleasures
May. 29th, 2025 03:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pastelpomrecently, I've lost most of the inhibitions that kept me at least somewhat stable and healthy.
I've always been the type of person that can't really hold themselves back from indulging in short-term comforts - that's why I've drank soda every day for nearly 2 decades - but over the past few months it's certainly gotten worse. at the very least, I used to have a certain amount of money anxiety that prevented me from spending my money impulsively and recklessly, and I had enough self-control to know that eating sweets is fine in moderation so long as I balance my diet, but... well. that's pretty much all gone. the amount of money I've spent in the past month alone is embarrassing to admit, and I don't want to get into the amount of little treats I buy myself for no real reason.
I pretty much know exactly why I'm doing this. this year has been a unique and new (to me) hell on my mind and body and because I'm not getting fulfillment or happiness in other areas, I'm just defaulting to quick dopamine releases in order to get that feeling of satisfaction. but knowing about it doesn't exactly stop me from doing it, lol.
of course, I know about urge surfing and have successfully practiced it in the past, but nowadays it's like I can't even bring myself to care about wanting to improve. my scope of life has narrowed to a pinpoint in front of me only consisting of the next 30 minutes to an hour, so who gives a shit if I do things that effect me months in the future? that barely exists. why would I prevent myself from feeling good now when I basically feel like I'll be obliterated within the next day? who cares about the "future" when I'm alive in the present??
it's all very silly and childish, of course - but I can't really bring myself to "grow up," in a sense. when I can hardly muster up the energy to drag myself through a single day at a time, working on healthy habits for a future version of me that doesn't exist yet just feels pointless.
at the beginning of the year I made one single new years' resolution and it was this: allow myself to recognize and appreciate moments of happiness as they come to me, and sit with them, rather than brushing past them and focusing on the negatives. well. I chose the worst possible year to do that one, I'll say that much. the cards I was dealt don't really jive with that whole idea.
I don't really know why I'm writing this all down but I guess I just needed to get it out. there is a part of me that wants to get better, that wants to try, that wants to take the harder path because it knows it's worth it... but when all the rest of me can't manage to get out of bed for more than three hours at a time, that little part doesn't hold much sway. maybe I'll get back there eventually, but for now it's just me. stuck in my endless loop of little dopamine releases.
maybe I'll buy another snack.
I've always been the type of person that can't really hold themselves back from indulging in short-term comforts - that's why I've drank soda every day for nearly 2 decades - but over the past few months it's certainly gotten worse. at the very least, I used to have a certain amount of money anxiety that prevented me from spending my money impulsively and recklessly, and I had enough self-control to know that eating sweets is fine in moderation so long as I balance my diet, but... well. that's pretty much all gone. the amount of money I've spent in the past month alone is embarrassing to admit, and I don't want to get into the amount of little treats I buy myself for no real reason.
I pretty much know exactly why I'm doing this. this year has been a unique and new (to me) hell on my mind and body and because I'm not getting fulfillment or happiness in other areas, I'm just defaulting to quick dopamine releases in order to get that feeling of satisfaction. but knowing about it doesn't exactly stop me from doing it, lol.
of course, I know about urge surfing and have successfully practiced it in the past, but nowadays it's like I can't even bring myself to care about wanting to improve. my scope of life has narrowed to a pinpoint in front of me only consisting of the next 30 minutes to an hour, so who gives a shit if I do things that effect me months in the future? that barely exists. why would I prevent myself from feeling good now when I basically feel like I'll be obliterated within the next day? who cares about the "future" when I'm alive in the present??
it's all very silly and childish, of course - but I can't really bring myself to "grow up," in a sense. when I can hardly muster up the energy to drag myself through a single day at a time, working on healthy habits for a future version of me that doesn't exist yet just feels pointless.
at the beginning of the year I made one single new years' resolution and it was this: allow myself to recognize and appreciate moments of happiness as they come to me, and sit with them, rather than brushing past them and focusing on the negatives. well. I chose the worst possible year to do that one, I'll say that much. the cards I was dealt don't really jive with that whole idea.
I don't really know why I'm writing this all down but I guess I just needed to get it out. there is a part of me that wants to get better, that wants to try, that wants to take the harder path because it knows it's worth it... but when all the rest of me can't manage to get out of bed for more than three hours at a time, that little part doesn't hold much sway. maybe I'll get back there eventually, but for now it's just me. stuck in my endless loop of little dopamine releases.
maybe I'll buy another snack.
